Oh Pun Your Browser
By: John Shepler
A group of championship chess players checked into a hotel and, while waiting for dinner, stood around in the lobby bragging about their recent tournament victories. This went on for about an hour until the manager stormed out of the office and ordered them to disperse. Buy why?", they asked, moving away. "Because," he roared "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
But enough of the holiday season. Let's see what we can find on the web in the way of puns, word play, funny stories and general humor.
Joan Meyer offers the California smog test: Can UCLA?
Hmmmm. Is that clear? How about John Edmo's story about the cannibal who had a wife and ate kids?
OK, something more scientific. Two atoms run into each other. One atom says, " I think I lost an electron." The second atom asks, "Are you sure?" The first atom replies, "I'm positive."
Like that? Here's another particle of humor. A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender, "How much for a beer?" The bartender replies, "For you, no charge."
Oh, you'll drink to that one, huh? Try this. A six-foot termite walks into a corner bar. He raps on the bar and asks: "Excuse me...is the bartender here?"
Actually, I'd like to tell you the one about the mathematician who took a student aside for a discussion, but then I'd be going off on a tangent. Is that punny? Even if you tell me these math and science jokes are perfectly average, I won't consider that mean.
Some of the funniest sayings are spoken in all seriousness. For instance, at the Grand Canyon National Park, people actually put these questions to the Park Rangers:
"Do you light it up at night?"
"Is the mule train air conditioned?"
"Where are the faces of the presidents?"
"So, is that Canada over there?"
Not to be outdone, visitors to Mesa Verde National Park had to know, "Why did they build the ruins so close to the road?" At Carlsbad Caverns, "So what's in the unexplored part of the cave?" And at Banff National Park, "Is that food coloring in the lakes?"
Church Bulletins aren't really meant to be joke sheets, but sometimes statements get, well..."This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar." Or "Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow." Think I just lost my appetite.
Some people like to send proverbs to friends and co-workers, perhaps including them as signatures in their e-mail messages. Here are some notable examples from a long list:
"Never try to leap a chasm in two jumps."
"Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours."
"If the shoe fits, get another one just like it."
"A closed mouth gathers no foot."
"Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it."
"Indecision is the key to flexibility."
"Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with."
"Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines."
And..."He who laughs last didn't get the joke."
Barbara likes the more subtle, literate, sayings such as... "One man's fish is another man's poisson." I have to curry favor with my editor because hers is often a rewording activity.
Here's one last story offered by Juan Lozano that should appeal to you literary buffs. "A lion was walking in the jungle and met two men, one sitting on a rock reading a book, the other working at a typewriter. The lion ate only one. Which one and Why?
He ate the man reading the book, because everyone knows that readers digest and writers cramp."
May the farce be with you!
Also visit these related sites:
These sites will take you out of A Positive Light. Use your browser's back button to return here.
Bad Puns - The site where you get your muds wordled. You'll like this new site. They're all clean and decent groaners.
Pun of the Day - Hundreds of one liners await your giggles and groans. Come back every day for a new chuckle.
Things People Said - Collections of real, unintentional humor from Church Bulletins, Park Rangers, Accident Reports, Classified Ads and more.
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Copyright 1998 - 2016 by John E. Shepler. Contact me at: John (at) JohnShepler.com
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